The Wire has been digitally remastered, wine-lovers. If you didn’t know this already, we’ll refrain from asking you where you’ve been. (But seriously, where have you been?!) This is fantastic. This is HBO’s gift to us: an excuse to binge watch as many seasons as we want under the guise of: “What? It’s been remastered. I haven’t seen it THIS way!”
So we think this would be an ideal time to grab a few extra bottles of wine, accept that you’ll be doing nothing of use, and give in to the beauty of The Wire… remastered. While you’re at it, have a little fun imagining what grapes these characters from the beloved show would be, if they were wine. This will be fun, trust us.
Alert! MAY contain spoilers, or at least hint at them.
If you haven’t seen The Wire, 1.) why the F*$^ not?! and 2.) Perhaps read with caution.
Please note, almost every character on The Wire is amazing in his or her own way. If your favorite character got left out of this list, don’t hate us.
Kima is badass. She’s a tough as nails detective and doesn’t give an actual fuck about what people think of her. She’s not afraid of doing the right thing, even if it pisses people off. Exhibit A: “Sometimes things just gotta play hard.”
What kind of wine is Kima? Sangiovese. A grape that can, at times, have hard edges and a tough exterior. Sometimes angular and difficult to read, yet- who are we kidding- sexy as hell when in it’s higher self (Brunello di Montalcino, a Super Tuscan, even a tough to acquire California version). Once you’ve experienced an amazing Sangiovese, its guaranteed you’ll never be the same. We can surmise that working with Kima would be the same way.
Something of an ego-maniac, most fans would agree that while McNulty is an excellent detective, his motivations for pushing the original case so hard were mostly self-serving. He wanted to prove to the Baltimore Police Department that he could do the case. McNulty is also kind of a ho. We love him for it, but he is. Self-destructive, driven, and a royal pain in the ass.
What wine is Jimmy? Pinot Noir. A pain in the ass to grow, finicky, temperamental, and yet- lovable. When a winemaker becomes transfixed by Pinot Noir, he will stop at nothing to bring it to its best expression. In a similar fashion to Jimmy’s fixation with his cases and with proving his own superiority. Pinot Noir, while not always an egomaniacs grape, really IS that good. And you are too, McNulty.
How many ways are there to love this character? Omar Little is without a doubt one of the greatest television characters ever written. Layered, multi-faceted, complex, dignified and unique. Oh, indeed.
What other wine could Omar be, except: Barolo.
Barolo is the “King of Wines.” And as we all know, “You come at the King, you best not miss.” Like Omar, Barolo has a strict Code. It can only be made with 100% Nebbiolo, the yield can only be so high, it must be aged for a minimum of 3 years, starting on the 1st of January following harvest. While Omar’s code consists of “I ain’t never put my gun on nobody who wasn’t in the game,” still. A man got to have a code.
Lestor is THE MAN. If you don’t have mad respect for Lestor, well… I can’t even. Not only is he the man, he’s brilliant. His style is understated and quietly Boss. Plus, he gets the girl. I mean, c’mon; Lester’s game is tight. He’s one in a million.
So what wine is he? Chateauneuf du Pape. A wine that never goes out of style, commands respect, and inspires. Chateauneuf can be graceful and elegant, and it can be wild and fierce. Often a blend of many grapes, all coming together in harmony, you can’t help think of one of the best Lestor quotes ever: “All the pieces matter.”
Business. All business. That’s what String is, love him or hate him. Occasionally reprehensible, he always has the same bottom line. Inflexible, dogmatic, but at the same time a big thinker who longed for legitimacy.
Physically imposing and hulking, String could only be Petite Sirah. Brooding, dark, inky and always with a strong vein of tannin predominating. Fairly uncompromising in its girth, Petite Sirah can be divisive. If you love it, you love it and if you hate it, you hate it. So… does anyone love String?
Avon, you sexy bastard. In a masterfully written foil to Stringer Bell, Avon is a family man. His bonds and loyalty with his crew and family are what drives him. That, with a side of power and street smarts. Avon’s charisma and general badassery is probably what hooked me on The Wire in the first place.
Considering that it takes the detectives weeks of work to even get a physical description of Avon, an enigmatic wine he must be: Sagrantino di Montefalco. Never heard of it? Never seen it? You’re not alone. With just about 250 acres planted in just one corner of Italy, its a rare one. A chiseled, manly wine of extreme power and concentration. You won’t soon forget a Sagrantino di Montefalco.