Sometimes it’s just not enough to open a beer using conventional methods. Sometimes, we must answer a higher calling and break the hermetic seal on our brews using gizmos, gadgets and gimmicky tools that simultaneously make the process more complicated but so much more entertaining. Why simply open a beer when you can open the hell out of a beer in a manner both ridiculous and laudable.
To that end, we bring you 5 absurd ways to open a beer– a collection of bottle mastering gadgets just dumb enough to be desirable:
1) The Cap Zappa
If it can lead to the loss of an eye, it should probably be number one on this list. The Cap Zappa (no known relation to Frank Zappa) is a device that crisply and quickly uncaps a beer bottle. The catch? That bottle cap is stored within the plastic shaft of the opener, and that shaft is equipped with a mechanism that then launches that bottle cap.
Apparently, the “CZ” has a range of up to 5 meters, which is like 16 feet. That’s just awesome, because when drinking it is instrumental that you have a device capable of launching small pieces of metal respectable lengths of a football field at decent speeds. If this thing sounds like a gun, it’s because it basically is. Exercise your 2nd amendment right to absurdity and pick it up here.
2) The Cuff’d Bottle Opener
Until recently, handcuffs were used either for upholding law and order or getting into some really kinky sh*t nobody wants to think about right now. With the introduction of the Cuff’d into the world we now have a 3rd use for handcuffs: opening beers.
On one end of these mini cuffs there is a bottle opener. On the other is a handcuff that can be used as a keyring, belt loop attachment, or for cuffing a baby or somebody with terrifyingly small wrists. Join the chain of fools here.
3) The Finger Ring Opener
If you’re a bartender, wearing a ring with a bottle opener neatly hidden on its underside actually makes a good deal of sense. If you’re just hanging out and having a few beers, wearing a ring with a bottle opener neatly hidden on its underside can only mean that you’re trying to convince your friends you’re capable of popping a top with your bare hands. Take one step closer to becoming a party magician here.
4) The Bottle Opening & Cigarette Lighting Phone Case
There are plenty of phone cases with bottle openers on them, we know. You may be worried that placing your expensive and indispensable electronic device right above an open container of carbonated, sugary, sticky and smelly liquid is unwise. But what if, directly next to the device used to release pressurized liquid from a small container there was also a small strip of electrified metal designed to become hot enough to light a cigarette in seconds. Would that ease your mind? If so, grab yourself the ultimate accessory for your vices (and texts) right here.
5) The Pope-n-er
If there were ever a pun brought to life worth owning, this would have to be it. That is all. Get your Pope-n-ers here, they’re divine.