Have you ever wondered why people around the world put out milk and cookies for Santa Claus? We do, because we think Santa deserves much better. This year, do the right thing and put out wine and cheese for St. Nick.
Here are the top 10 reasons you should:
1) The guy has a tough gig.
If you just slid down a damn chimney you’d need a real drink too. Especially if you were that much wider than the average chimney. When’s the last time you combed ash out of a beard while sober?
2) Baby, it’s cold outside.
Nobody comes in from the arctic chill and chugs an ice cold glass of milk. During the winter, milk only belongs in a mug of coffee or hot cocoa. Folks, that sled ain’t heated… if anyone could use a winter warmer, it’s Ole Saint Nick.
3) Wine & cheese > milk and cookies.
They say “there’s no use crying over spilt milk” for a reason. It’s just not that good. On the other hand, try spilling somebody’s wine and see how they react.
4) Santa’s trying to drop some pounds.
Every year Mr. Claus drinks millions of glasses of milk and eats millions of cookies, and you wonder why he can’t see his balls? Milk and cookies are all fat and sugar, folks. Wine, on the other hand, is proven to lower cholesterol and the risk of heart disease. Plus, it’s full of vitamins and antioxidants (it is made from grapes after all). Help Santa help himself.
5) The reindeer do all the driving anyways.
Think about it, Santa has like 9 designated drivers at his disposal. So they’re deer, what of it? Frankly, we’re not so sure Blitzen would pass a breathalyzer test, but Dancer and Prancer can pick up his slack. Plus, that overzealous, shiny-nosed-having Rudolph has been overcompensating for years now… he’s got the route on lockdown.
6) It’s a long way back to the North Pole.
We’ve all taken one for the road- let Nick take one for the ehr… sky.
7) We’re pretty sure he’s been hitting the bottle anyways.
Why do you think his cheeks are always so flushed? Help Santa taper off.
8) You’ve had enough to drink, haven’t you?
Save that fifth glass for somebody else, your third run-through of “Bohemian Rhapsody” was evidence enough that it’s time to move into the coffee phase of the evening.
9) Nobody likes a stingy host!
Santa comes to your house from the North Pole with a sack full of gifts. All you can throw his way is some expired 2% from the grocery store and a broken Chips Ahoy from the back of the sleeve? Not cool. Give the man some wine, and the good stuff too.
10) YOU’RE SANTA!
Who is it that really eats those cookies and drinks that milk? Well… whoever it is (it’s you) I’m sure they (you) would prefer some killer red and a slice of cheese over some cow juice and a cookie. Making life better for Santa makes life better for you. Think about it.
Saint Nick will thank you.